Without knowing how, or when, or from where.

It's been a while.





I guess one can say
life has been keeping me
pretty busy.








I used to apologize for every little thing I said or did, or hadn’t said or hadn’t done, or forgotten to say, etc.; I used to apologize for living. Now I’ve given it up — I mean, apologizing. Not living; I’ve only just started that.



Archibald Alexander Leach.
aka,
Cary Grant.

It's a fact.

People do things.
People don't do things.


Whatever.

Being good isn't always easy.

So,
you want to be a carpenter, do you?
Well, it takes more than a hammer, boy.









You're gonna need blueprints
and a will to build,
and...




Bavitz.

A working list of things I will never tell you.

There are certain words in the human language
that lack sincerity.

Especially
when those words
leave your mouth.




Art work by Victoria Buck.

When the missing got so big.

I find myself existing in memories.






Because some places are just more
beautiful than others.

Fact and Fiction.

The world is flat.
Pluto is a planet.
Everything is going to be okay.

On a night like this.

Feeling a sudden wave of vacancy go over me,
like a hotel being abandoned by it's guests
for an obvious reason.


Brautigan.

Cracking nuts.

It is that time of year guys.
The super glue and tape
are handy.









This is almost definitely
my last Nutcracker
with the Reno Dance Company.
If you are interested in seeing the show,
please let me know through a comment,
e-mail, instant message, text message,
phone call, letter, note in a bottle,
or maybe some "real life" conversation.

Growing older, but not growing up.

Signed my "petition for graduation" papers
a couple days ago.
One page asked what my plans are
for after graduation.






Fuck.



(the video: loop like crazy).

You can never overdress.

I have dreams.
And we edge closer
to them.

Sudden and striking.

To you,

I am seasonal.

Just like when
the rain drops
and the leaves fall.





So dramatic and refreshing,
but soon enough
you get weary
and want the snow.

Say what you will.

For such are false apostles.

I used to nanny for a lawyer in town.
One of the two children was named Raven.
At the age of six, she held her puppy underwater.





She recently made this for her father.
I need not explain any further
why I no longer care for his children.



(Maybe with the exception that
I dreamt she chased her sister and I
with a chainsaw).

Still light.

How can I tell
when I am succeeding
compared to
when I am failing
if I do not even know
the difference
anymore?

Ruin and beauty.

Nothing feels real.
But everything is so real


      I can barely
      stand it.







They say the body accepts any kind of sorrow,
that our ancestors lay down on their stomachs
in school hallways, as children they lay down
like matches waiting for a nuclear fire.


Young.

Don’t confuse what I say with honesty.

You said to me, "it's a long,
lonely ride sometimes."

I thought, "for who?"







Or maybe
you were just referring to
the ferry ride.

People like us.

There are more like us. All over the world
There are confused people, who can't remember
The name of their dog when they wake up, and people
Who love God but can't remember where

He was when they went to sleep. It's
All right. The world cleanses itself this way.
A wrong number occurs to you in the middle
Of the night, you dial it, it rings just in time

To save the house. And the second-story man
Gets the wrong address, where the insomniac lives,
And he's lonely , and they talk, and the thief
Goes back to college. Even in graduate school,

You can wander into the wrong classroom,
And hear great poems lovingly spoken
By the wrong professor. And you find your soul
And greatness has a defender, and even in death you're safe.


Bly.







Requiescat
in pace.

Let's minus today.

It is one of those,
where everything
is just

not good.







My Bible as Literature teacher asked me
what I needed
to make my day
better,

and I said

"a hot dog
wrapped
in bacon."

Negative space.

You are dreamt of
every night.
And when I hear certain songs
I imagine
you singing them.

Dancing to the wrong theme song.

Few and far between
I persuade myself into thinking
this is what I want
and then realize
it is entirely the opposite
of what I want.





Then I am indifferent for a while
and may be sad for a moment.


But,
I will always continue to party.

Thoughts are flooding.

I fear that some
do not know
how to speak
any longer.

When in doubt, draw red.

This is a portrait of myself
done by my good friend,
Aislynn.





Quite
accurate.

Psycho babble.

I go to school for art,
but feel far
from an artist.





For instance,
every time I talk about
anything in class,
I sound like a complete asshole.



(I have no idea
what I am doing).

Breaking the rules.

I am beginning to realize
life is exactly like a game.





Make sure to keep the good players
on your team.





Because
regardless of the score
they won't leave you alone
out in left field.

I only know that I don't know anything.

Maybe
along with teaching physics
and European history in school,
they should teach a
"how to be an adult" class.





Because this is way too difficult.

Gold in the air of summer.

I finally came home
and start school
in exactly one week.




I do no want to shed
my summer skin.





Don't think of
the other places
you should have been.

Life is a canvas.

I have been extremely busy lately.

Just moved out of a house
away from a friend
that I have lived with
for the last three years.

Summer school has been
overwhelming.

So I left town once again
for an extended amount of time.


But, I feel good.







I really just want to be
this warm yellow light
that pours over everyone
that I love.

Oberst.

That’s no moon, it’s a space station.

This is how we celebrated
after he balanced the force.







You can't stop the change
any more than you can stop
the suns from setting.

Shmi Skywalker

The Devil's workday.

I swear
I used to be
a patient person.




Now,
I find myself
wanting to crawl out of my skin
for the littlest reasons.

Like,
when people talk to me
about things
I don't care about.

It is sating.

I don't even know
anymore.

Winners always win.

More morning afters.



And walks of shame.






A lady always knows when to leave.

(after sleeping on a blow up mattress
in your living room
the next day).

When you run, I run.

Came back to town
to realize
I still want to be gone.

Now,
I am living and dying in LA.




When something is going away from you,
it's bluer.

Where are you?

There has been so much,
but so little
going on.

Mostly outdoor activities,
which will continue this entire weekend,
as I bro out on a boat.





I hope everyone has a fun
and safe weekend.


Well,
not too safe.

Night daydreams.

The first accidental snapshot with my new camera:
the top, right hand side of my bookshelf.
Make your assessment.




I haven't been sleeping well for quite some time.
Maybe it's because I am bored,
and think too much.
Or think too little.





Every so often, I like to pretend
things are the way I want them to be.

The failure of optimism.

(for many things).

I'd rather be a forest than a street.

This is how we deal
the morning after.






Enjoy a partial summer day
with a little
Simon and Garfunkel.

To be young again.

I wish I could start all over
at the age of six.

I could audition for sf ballet,
(make it of course),
and eventually become an amazing
ballet dancer.





And my parents would make
silly videos of me
representing their favorite
electronic music.





I would look back on all of it
as an adult and think
"shit, I was one badass kid."


I guess my parents deserve
a little more credit.

This room.

No magic happens here.

Just reading
television watching
and occasional sleep.





I know there are some people out there
who think I am supposed to end up
                                   
      in a room by myself




Hoagland.

I'm still waiting for the sunlight.

To grow me through the floor.



I'm jobless and just read a book
in less than twenty-four hours.

Any suggestions for my next read?




I prefer using
endless pages of
Times New Roman
as a distraction
from my reality.

I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles.

Also,
Penelope got crafty.

Dance, dance.

Hung out with Steve Aoki yesterday.



He didn't pour Grey Goose
into my mouth.


Next time.

Just like yesterday.

A couple days ago, a boy told me
I am the weirdest girl he has ever met.

Compliment?

I like to think of myself as
old fashioned
or unconventional.
(I guess that doesn't make much sense).



Yes, I can be uncanny.
And I like bizarre.





That's why I liked you.